lula's diary

This is a very strange time in my life. I'm extremely restless and agitated about everything, and I have a million things I want to do with myself all at once which makes it impossible to do anything. I'm working hard and earning lots of money but I don't feel like im enough. I want to change and grow and be free but I feel trapped. Trapped by my family, trapped by my past, trapped by my cloudy, uncertain future.

At the most quiet of times, my negative thoughts creep in and in those moments I would love nothing more than to curl up and die. I want to run through a forest while the air puffs out of my mouth because it's so cold. I want to take a nap by a hearth, eat steak and vegetables and drink wine. I want to sew a tapestry, wear fur, I want tattoos and most of all I want to live alone. Nearby but alone. I wish the cost of living wasn't so ridiculously high right now otherwise I would've already been living alone! I want to cook for someone and have them enjoy it. I want to make hearty soups and stews from scratch. I want to be independent. I want piercings and different hair and different clothes. I feel really stuck on the person who had these bad things happen to her, so I constantly have the need to change, but bad things keep happening to me and I keep wanting to do something different with myself, it's a curse and I really cant catch a break LOL but who can.

I love knights in shining armour and berserkers :P

I will always ALWAYS! listen to the skyrim ost when I am sad or contemplative it's become a ritual for me. Also side note fuck bethesda they just broke my game by forcefully updating it to the anniversary edition which broke every single mod some of them years old and obscure therefore never will be updated so now I can't play bethesda you will burn in hell for this just make my game normal again.

When distressing things happen over and over again, it feels like the end. it feels like there's no point to anything, if this sort of thing is going to keep happening as it already has. Everything is laid out in front of me, even if the details of the future are blurry and obscure, the presence of evil in my life feels like a curse, once it starts it never stops. But in the darkness of the void, there's always a star, a glimmer of hope that I see everywhere. I hear whispers in the wind. I see a dove on a lone branch, and have dreams of castles and comfort at a fireplace. There's a warmth, not hot, just warm, and gentle and reassuring. I live in my fantasies.

These fantasies are silly and childish, but they keep me alive. If I had to face reality all the time I wouldn't've been able to handle it - I would've been gone a long time ago, and it's the same for many people. I don't take these particular follies seriously - they're just daydreams to keep me going, to give me some excitement. It's not healthy or good to depend on something to live, which is not what I'm doing, it's more so that I have something to dress up for and conversations to look forward to, and if they don't happen I don't get upset or anything, I just try to take things as they come.

This is what makes me feel better. What makes you feel better? Is there something that comforts you? That gives you a burst of energy, even for a couple of seconds, day to day? Talking to a certain person, seeing a pet, a song or a picture which motivates?

How do you find solace you ask? The easy way? Be as delusional as possible. The long way? you need to learn that whether you wanted it to or not, that thing happened, that it could happen again at any time in your life, that you will need to change to overcome your hopelessness and that there's more out there than the bubble you feel trapped in. Having something happen and being stuck in the same place physically near where it happened can, in my opinion, completely drain your life force over the years, and can leave you tired of that place, devasted and uncomfortable, like a hollow feeling in your chest, like if you inhaled too deep you would start crying.

So how do you get over that, if you have no choice but to stay where you are? Well it's not that simple as I've implied. It takes a certain kind of strength to be extremely delusional about reality and ignore everything that's happening around you. It's even harder to face the cards you have been dealt with and build on them. One of the ways to find some comfort in life is knowing that the memory of dark times can fade away, when new, joy-filled ones replace them. Most people don't completely forget their memories, especially with such life changing or damaging events, but you need to push - you need to think that there is better to come, that there is something changing in the future of your life and that it's good. Otherwise you will fall into despair forever.

And although it's harsh, it's true - being negative helps no-one, especially yourself, and it will isolate you further and push people away from you. People go through bad things that others may never experience in their lifetime, and you might expect lots of help, comfort and support, but if you're situation is extremely specific, rare or just in general if the people who you expect to comfort you don't understand what you have gone through, it can create a barrier between you and can only get worse when you start to get worse. People are uncomfortable and afraid of the things that they don't understand - 'why is so and so acting like this...' 'why does so and so not want to hang out...' most people will just not understand why it is that you are changing so much, and they won't know how to deal with your behaviour, and unfortunately, you must accept this in one way or another. Either you wait for them to figure out how to deal with the situation, explain to them how they can help, or leave it as it is and let the relationship drift, each choice has its own consequences for better and for worse. Maybe if they didn't know how to comfort you in the first place they shouldn't have been friends with you! Maybe they just needed some time to think about how best to comfort you and help things go as back to normal as they could possibly be. It's hard to read people, but you don't always need to assume that they have the best of intentions when you're dealing with stress. Sometimes you just need to deal with things on your own.

It's also true that in order to get better, you need to let a lot of things go. Resentment, physical objects, dreams, people. When you attach yourself to things that remind you of the events, or that you just feel like someone hasn't supported you enough, it might be time to let go. Think about the things you want to let go carefully. Confusion caused by stress can impair your judgement, so always go with your heart and don't rush into any decisions that you might regret and make you feel worse. However, I know that it's not so easy to let go of things that have been with you for so long. People are the hardest to let go of, especially if they haven't done anything directly that you want to confront them about. But that's the thing. If you have something that they've done that made you upset or uncomfortable, either talk it through with them, and if they're a good friend, they'll listen to you and explain why they did what they did, and if they get confrontational and offended? Maybe it was for the best. Carrying on with this point, letting someone go doesn't always have to be confrontational. It can be as minimal as a thought in your head ' I'm going to distance myself from this person physically/emotionally/etc...' and that's that. Situations like these always seem more complicated than they actually are. Most people might notice, but not say anything, and that'll be the end of it. A spotify playlist to listen to while thinking about things:

ੈ♡˳click here!

I never would've said that I have a type at all. Before I would've just said I liked anyone as long as their character intices me. Which is still true for the most part, but my mind has made some alterations which I can now safely say are permanent. Unfortunately, this type of man is nearly unattainble as most of them just don't exist, or aren't interested in me, which i'm ok with. Theres also been lots of events in my life which have skewed my interests toward this particular type of character, which have lead me to pursue this ideal man. There are certain physical traits I'm attracted to but it goes beyond that and stretches into the territory of stereotypes and ancient wishes.

So, onto the topic of the actual man, here it is. I want someone who can protect me. Someone who can comfort me in dark times. I want someone who will let me look after them, who I can comfort in their dark times too. I want a knight, a warrior, a protector, and I want to be the doting, fearsome medieval princess, who never gives up. For a very long time I had an 'I can protect myself' attitude, but after everything thats happened to me I know that's not true. Everybody needs someone to look after them, to protect them, to soothe them. Someone reliable, loyal, and true of heart, which is rare to find, even in myself. It's not that I'm weak. I just can't do this on my own anymore. I need someone with me. And I hope that, somewhere, someone needs me too. I want someone to hold me in the winter, in the cold snow, and I want to make them stews and fresh meals and watch them eat all of it. I want to be lost in desire with no hope of return, I want to forever change. Even if I get heartbroken. I want to live through someone else. I want to feel that pit in my stomach when I'm near someone. I want to yearn, even if it doesn't go anywhere.

Concerning the physical aspects of this, it's true that there is similarities in the type of person I am attracted to. For the most part, looks are not important. Anyone can protect at any time, anyone can love and be loyal, anyone has the potential to be true. But I can't lie - I love big men. Muscly, big, hulking, brooding. Hairy and with a dark aura. Fearsome and scary. But warm, underneath it all. The stereotypical viking warrior is what comes to mind. At least, it's what we've come to associate with the viking warriors. Big and brutal.

I also have a special way of being able to tell if I truly find someone attractive. In order to prove that someone is attractive/worthy, I have to:
• -picture them in a suit of armour
• - picture them upon a steed carrying the banner of our clan
• - picture them as a jester
• - picture how they would survive in skyrim
• - see how they treat animals
• - see how they speak about other women
• - see how they react when in anger
• - picture them wielding excalibur

So the next time you think a man is attractive, picture him in armour riding out to war on his steed wielding the sword of kings.