coded by doqmeat!
this is a personal diary i like to use. sometimes a real diary is not safe from prying eyes of family and friends so this is a nice hidden spot for me to come and talk about random things that are troubling or interesting me at any given moment :) I've written quite a bit already, but I still have more tabs and more pages to go! Start from tab 8 for the oldest entries and work your way up for the newest entries, if I run out of space I may start to put 2 posts on one page!
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Dark forests, fog and gloom and grey skies, bare branches on trees that seem to be grasping toward you as you scamper through the woods. Witches and princesses, happily never after and grim outcomes. The smell of leather and damp leaves and rotting flowers. Fairytales and fantasy and folktales. These are things that i love, that i've always loved.
I feel i'm secretly a medieval princess or snow white hidden in my palace, casting spells and making flower chains to pass the time. I've always felt strange being this way, but it just feels right. Incense and long red hair, Chunky silver jewellery, melancholy and deviance, i know everything about you, i see through you, i've always known.
A playlist for those who feel like red riding hood, running away from the big bad wolf:
A playlist for weird, strange and creepy girls...
A playlist for contemplation...
Hi. I'm stuck in a limbo. I'm trying to figure out how to mesh different aspects of myself together and blend them smoothly. For example, how can I mesh being a sword-wielding medieval queen, a green fairy, meshed with gothic styles and modern styles? I feel very restless right now and I feel like my head is spinning constantly, whirling with thoughts, ideas and dreams.
I want to live in my own place. House, flat, wherever I just want either my own space or to live with my friends, the latter being the more financially responsible answer in this economy. I don't know what it is, just the idea of having my own place and decorating it how I want, having more freedom makes me excited. I want to blast music while cleaning and cooking. I want to put swords and tapestries and paintings on the wall, and shelves filled with figures from my favourite media next to piles and piles of books. Lounge in the bath, my hair cascading down the side of the tub, patchouli incense, 5 or 6 candles, wax dripping onto the bathtub. I want to drive a car too. I want to decorate my car all over with stickers, and play music from old cd mixes. The idea of having a personal space where I can travel anywhere I want to at anytime is everything to me. However, both of these things are getting harder to afford, as these things (car,house) which seem like they should at least be affordable enough, are absurdly expensive, to the point of utter ridiculousness. I feel like this is one of the biggest reasons I feel restless, along with the fact that (like many people) I have no idea what I want from my future, and am being pressured by family to decide now when in my heart I know that I have my whole life to figure out what I want to do.
I've always felt a strong connection to the moon. I thought it was so beautiful, magnetising, and so powerful, I could feel its energy pouring through space and time. The sun is powerful too, don't get me wrong, but there was always just something about the moon. Constant but changing, a guardian of dreams and nighttime secrets.
Ever since I was a child, I could never sleep on the night of a full moon. I have never understood why. It's similar now, but sometimes I can sleep, although it's never restful. I had this feeling inside of me, that I had to do something for the moon, I had to tell it something. So, whenever a full moon came about and was visible, I opened my curtains, sat by the window and started asking the moon to make all my wishes come true. I asked for many things, some childish, some attainable. I just felt like the moon could hear my pleas and the desperation of how I poured my heart out and asked for what I had to give in return. I never got an answer, just a feeling. Be kind. Be compassionate and understanding. Be wary. And you shall get what you wish for.
After growing up a bit, still asking the moon to make dreams reality, I started to feel a shift in mentality. A new message from the moon. As you will it, so it shall be. You are the master of your destiny. After that, I took the moon's advice. I made it all happen. Slowly, little by little, the present trickled into a pool which reflected my past. The the wind blowing gently, faintly chill, made itself known as the future. Are we ever chasing the future? Trying to escape the future, a thing that does not exist, only theoretically?
May is coming to an end. The summertime is near upon us. I'm finding the rare but increasing moments of sunshine serene and peaceful. Laying in the grass, watching the sunlight stream in through the trees, is a privilege and a joy to experience. But even in all of summer's glory, I find myself yearning for autumn.
Brown, yellow, auburn and red, a hint of green, these are the colours that I love, the colours of autumn. I yearn for grey skies clashing against red and brown trees, my hair whipping behind me in the wind, warm, long but not thick coats, and a light scarf. Drinking wine by candlelight. Patchouli incense and menthol cigarettes and my vampire perfume. Puffy red cheeks, nose and lips from the sudden cold. Doe eyes and silver jewellery, noisy bangles and chunky rings and strange unique earrings. Post-coital glow, fair maiden in the moonlight. Dark forests with trees curving as if bowing to the force of nature. Auburn and ginger hair and long long eyelashes and fake freckles. 
Music for this vibe: the whole of october rust by type o negative, florence and the machine, hozier,tir na nog, rasputina, morphine, danny elfman soundtracks
Reading philosophy books, and despite consuming so much information how different people live life, still choosing your own outlook, your own destiny. To quote the daedric prince boethiah: 'as you will it, so it shall be'. I've been in a fantasy land recently. Reading about historical kings and queens, medieval war tactics, the remenants of what we know of celtic paganism. It's all been swirling around in my head and all I can think about is how I want to be there, just to experience how things were then. It doesn't matter if I would be 'shocked' or 'couldn't handle it', I want to go. I want to know more about the past. I wonder if a girl in a village 600 years ago had dreams like mine, if she chose how to style her hair everyday, if she had a special place where she would gossip and chat merrily with her friends. Did she argue with her family about silly things too? Did she speak to other girls her age in slang? Did she have a crush, a dream, what did she think about everyday... Life is so different now I couldn't even begin to comprehend the difference between our thoughts. But I think of her regardless.
As well as thinking about history, as you can see from all over this diary I've been thinking about dark fairytales and folktales. I want to wear a red cloak while I traverse through the dense forest. I want to have a strange ability to talk to animals, to know exactly what herbs to use as ailments and where to pick them from. I want big bright eyes and to wear a beautiful flowy gown to a ball. I want to wear walking boots and tie my hair with a ribbon. I want my Prince Charming to be man-beast, a shapeshifter, a werewolf, our love is forbidden and we meet in the cover of night only, away from prying eyes and whispering mouths. I want to wear a suit of armour and wave a flag as I front the battle to protect our kingdom from usurpers and warmongerers.
As long i've been able to remember, I've been weird. Odd, some would say. How do I, and others like myself know this? because we've been told this numerous times by people. And not just directly. Side-eyes when mentioning a hobby or a habit, people stealing glances at each other when they hear you talk, comparing things with friends and realising theirs are all the same and yours are different. I tried to be normal, for a time. It did not work. I felt restless, and was found out and called strange anyway. Oh well. Doesn't matter, because now I have fully embraced being peculiar. I have a wild look in my eyes, a fire, that never goes out no matter how much it dims.
There are things I've noticed throughout my life that I'd like to share. If you are considered attractive, it does not matter how weird you are; people will consider you pretty much normal. Some won't even notice you're strange at all. But if you're considered unattractive and you are strange, you will be shunned. I know that if I were more beautiful when I was younger, I would not have been treated the way I was by some people. Bonus point: if you are unattractive and normal, you can still also be considered strange. However, this topic still requires further research that I will delve into during my lifetime.
When distressing things happen over and over again, it feels like the end. it feels like there's no point to anything, if this sort of thing is going to keep happening as it already has. Everything is laid out in front of me, even if the details of the future are blurry and obscure, the presence of evil in my life feels like a curse, once it starts it never stops. But in the darkness of the void, there's always a star, a glimmer of hope that I see everywhere. I hear whispers in the wind. I see a dove on a lone branch, and have dreams of castles and comfort at a fireplace. There's a warmth, not hot, just warm, and gentle and reassuring. I live in my fantasies.
These fantasies are silly and childish, but they keep me alive. If I had to face reality all the time I wouldn't've been able to handle it - I would've been gone a long time ago, and it's the same for many people. I don't take these particular follies seriously - they're just daydreams to keep me going, to give me some excitement. It's not healthy or good to depend on something to live, which is not what I'm doing, it's more so that I have something to dress up for and conversations to look forward to, and if they don't happen I don't get upset or anything, I just try to take things as they come.
This is what makes me feel better. What makes you feel better? Is there something that comforts you? That gives you a burst of energy, even for a couple of seconds, day to day? Talking to a certain person, seeing a pet, a song or a picture which motivates?
How do you find solace you ask? The easy way? Be as delusional as possible. The long way? you need to learn that whether you wanted it to or not, that thing happened, that it could happen again at any time in your life, that you will need to change to overcome your hopelessness and that there's more out there than the bubble you feel trapped in. Having something happen and being stuck in the same place physically near where it happened can, in my opinion, completely drain your life force over the years, and can leave you tired of that place, devasted and uncomfortable, like a hollow feeling in your chest, like if you inhaled too deep you would start crying.
So how do you get over that, if you have no choice but to stay where you are? Well it's not that simple as I've implied. It takes a certain kind of strength to be extremely delusional about reality and ignore everything that's happening around you. It's even harder to face the cards you have been dealt with and build on them. One of the ways to find some comfort in life is knowing that the memory of dark times can fade away, when new, joy-filled ones replace them. Most people don't completely forget their memories, especially with such life changing or damaging events, but you need to push - you need to think that there is better to come, that there is something changing in the future of your life and that it's good. Otherwise you will fall into despair forever.
And although it's harsh, it's true - being negative helps no-one, especially yourself, and it will isolate you further and push people away from you. People go through bad things that others may never experience in their lifetime, and you might expect lots of help, comfort and support, but if you're situation is extremely specific, rare or just in general if the people who you expect to comfort you don't understand what you have gone through, it can create a barrier between you and can only get worse when you start to get worse. People are uncomfortable and afraid of the things that they don't understand - 'why is so and so acting like this...' 'why does so and so not want to hang out...' most people will just not understand why it is that you are changing so much, and they won't know how to deal with your behaviour, and unfortunately, you must accept this in one way or another. Either you wait for them to figure out how to deal with the situation, explain to them how they can help, or leave it as it is and let the relationship drift, each choice has its own consequences for better and for worse. Maybe if they didn't know how to comfort you in the first place they shouldn't have been friends with you! Maybe they just needed some time to think about how best to comfort you and help things go as back to normal as they could possibly be. It's hard to read people, but you don't always need to assume that they have the best of intentions when you're dealing with stress. Sometimes you just need to deal with things on your own.
It's also true that in order to get better, you need to let a lot of things go. Resentment, physical objects, dreams, people. When you attach yourself to things that remind you of the events, or that you just feel like someone hasn't supported you enough, it might be time to let go. Think about the things you want to let go carefully. Confusion caused by stress can impair your judgement, so always go with your heart and don't rush into any decisions that you might regret and make you feel worse. However, I know that it's not so easy to let go of things that have been with you for so long. People are the hardest to let go of, especially if they haven't done anything directly that you want to confront them about. But that's the thing. If you have something that they've done that made you upset or uncomfortable, either talk it through with them, and if they're a good friend, they'll listen to you and explain why they did what they did, and if they get confrontational and offended? Maybe it was for the best. Carrying on with this point, letting someone go doesn't always have to be confrontational. It can be as minimal as a thought in your head ' I'm going to distance myself from this person physically/emotionally/etc...' and that's that. Situations like these always seem more complicated than they actually are. Most people might notice, but not say anything, and that'll be the end of it.
I never would've said that I have a type at all. Before I would've just said I liked anyone as long as their character intices me. Which is still true for the most part, but my mind has made some alterations which I can now safely say are permanent. Unfortunately, this type of man is nearly unattainble as most of them just don't exist, or aren't interested in me, which i'm ok with. Theres also been lots of events in my life which have skewed my interests toward this particular type of character, which have lead me to pursue this ideal man. There are certain physical traits I'm attracted to but it goes beyond that and stretches into the territory of stereotypes and ancient wishes.
So, onto the topic of the actual man, here it is. I want someone who can protect me. Someone who can comfort me in dark times. I want someone who will let me look after them, who I can comfort in their dark times too. I want a knight, a warrior, a protector, and I want to be the doting, fearsome medieval princess, who never gives up. For a very long time I had an 'I can protect myself' attitude, but after everything thats happened to me I know that's not true. Everybody needs someone to look after them, to protect them, to soothe them. Someone reliable, loyal, and true of heart, which is rare to find, even in myself. It's not that I'm weak. I just can't do this on my own anymore. I need someone with me. And I hope that, somewhere, someone needs me too. I want someone to hold me in the winter, in the cold snow, and I want to make them stews and fresh meals and watch them eat all of it. I want to be lost in desire with no hope of return, I want to forever change. Even if I get heartbroken. I want to live through someone else. I want to feel that pit in my stomach when I'm near someone. I want to yearn, even if it doesn't go anywhere.
Concerning the physical aspects of this, it's true that there is similarities in the type of person I am attracted to. For the most part, looks are not important. Anyone can protect at any time, anyone can love and be loyal, anyone has the potential to be true. But I can't lie - I love big men. Muscly, big, hulking, brooding. Hairy and with a dark aura. Fearsome and scary. But warm, underneath it all. The stereotypical viking warrior is what comes to mind. At least, it's what we've come to associate with the viking warriors. Big and brutal.
I also have a special way of being able to tell if I truly find someone attractive. In order to prove that someone is attractive/worthy, I have to:
So the next time you think a man is attractive, picture him in armour riding out to war on his steed wielding the sword of kings.
